NOTE: This is a “joke” review, meant as a parody of Amazon reviews.
By Guest Reviewer, Ms. Emma Zon
I just read the worst romance ever written.
I haven’t actually ever read any other romance novels, but I feel very confident in writing this review.
People who love this book have probably read so many romances that they are totally biased. One thing I know for sure is that I came to this book with a blank mind.
Nude in Death was the debut book by the author JD Robb. I should cut a newbie some slack, but everything about this book is dreadful.
On to my review:
First of all, Nude in Death is not even set in a real time and place. I think it’s supposed to be the future, but everyone knows romances are set in the past (they call these “Monarchies”) or the present (“Contemporaneous”).
The heroine is Eve, a cop. The hero is a rich Irish guy named Ruark.
Right, like there are any rich Irish guys.
Eve is an unreliable narrator: we can’t believe anything she says.
For one thing, she suffers from false memory syndrome. She thinks that she was abused and molested by her father and then abandoned at the age of eight. Since there were no witnesses to this, and since she seems gung ho in bed, it’s clear that these are false memories.
Eve’s memories were probably implanted by the police therapist, who is unbalanced and very jealous of Eve. I know this because of lines like this: “However mild they were, Mira’s eyes were sharp and searching.” When words like “sharp” and “searching” are used, it’s code for “this character is evil.” (I also know not to trust any psychologist, because Tom Cruise told me not to. On the Today Show. Two sources I never doubt.)
Eve is unreliable in a second way as well: she is a closeted homosexual. Eve has very short hair and she’s tough and is a cop. So obviously gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I was hoping for some interesting interactions between her and that other detective — Peabody. But then it was like the author got scared of the backlash or something and decided to go straight. (I asked my gay online friend about this and she totally agrees.)
The worst part was the sex scenes. You would think a supposed romance novelist would get this part right, since romances are basically sex scenes strung together by wordy excuses to get to the next sex scene. (You can tell this is true by looking at the covers of these books.)
Here’s an example of how bad the sex scenes in Naked in Death are:
I haven’t got time for this,” she said quickly, and found her back pressed against the tile wall. “It was a mistake in the first place. I have to go.”
“It won’t take long.” he felt a hard slap of lust when he cupped her hips, lifted her. “It wasn’t a mistake then, or now. And I have to have you.”
I don’t want to presume or anything, because I’m not a published author (yet), but tweaking this a bit would have made it so much better. Like this:
“I haven’t got time for this,” she said, breathing heavily, her hot breath fanning his whiskers (he hadn’t shaved yet, so powerful was his need for her) and making him sneeze, a juicy sexy spray.
“You’d better. It’s going to take a long time” he said, glancing with awe, and, curiously, some surprise, down at his nether region. “A long, long time, if you know what I mean”.
He waggled his eyebrows and her resistance melted like the Ivory soap in her strong, but not totally unfeminine, hand.
I don’t understand how there can be so much bad writing these days, with the internet and everything. It took me barely 30 seconds (according to Google search results) to find this example of truly outstanding erotic writing, from a novel by Norman Mailer, which even won a prize:
Klara turned head to foot, and put her most unmentionable part down on his hard-breathing nose and mouth, and took his old battering ram into her lips. Uncle was now as soft as a coil of excrement. She sucked on him nonetheless with an avidity that could come only from the Evil One – that she knew. From there, the impulse had come. So now they both had their heads at the wrong end, and the Evil One was there. He had never been so close before.
The Hound began to come to life. Right in her mouth. It surprised her. Alois had been so limp. But now he was a man again!
I think if JD Robb had, instead of rushing to publication, done a bit more reading and research, her first outing would have gone better. That is why I am doing all of this reading and writing reviews: to learn my craft.
Ok, so setting was all wrong, the characters were unbelievable and the sex scenes were terrible. But what about the mystery?
A conservative Senator’s daughter is murdered. The letter found next to the body suggests this is the first of 6 murders. The victim was a “licensed companion”, a prostitute, basically, which embarrasses her family. Ruark is a suspect, which creates problems for Eve.
Now, this makes no sense, and is an instance of what we call “inconsistent world building”. Either prostitution is legal or it’s not. Wouldn’t the senator be proud that his daughter has decided to pursue the art of legal pleasure? Just as he is serving his people, so she is serving hers.
I suppose the mystery might have made more sense if I hadn’t skipped the middle third of the book, but I didn’t need to read the whole book. I am one of those people who forms strong opinions based on very little evidence.
JD Robb got very popular. There are about a dozen of these In Death books in print. I know, I was shocked, too. But I always say the really good authors are the ones very few people have read or know about or care about. Hopefully, I will be one of those one day.
