Many moons ago, I wrote one of these for Historical Romance, and then one for Scottish Romance. I thought it might be fun to do another:
1. You hear that zombies are the new heroes, and, instead of “Ewwww. Smelly, rotting flesh,” your first reaction is, “As long as EVERY body part doesn’t fall off, I’m good.”
2. You have stopped wondering where the clothes go when shapeshifters shift.
3. You refer to living human beings as “breathers”.
4. You have suggested to your pastor that demons are not evil, just conflicted and misunderstood.
5. You may have read How to Date A Vampire, The Vampire is Just Not That Into You, and/or Vampire Seduction Handbook, but only for “research” purposes.
6. You think that the presence of penis barbs indicates thorough worldbuilding.
7. Naturally, you have read the Twilight Saga. You had to, for basic subgenre literacy. But you are so beyond the whole “Team Edward/ Team Jacob” thing.
7.5 Team Jacob.
8. In the name of multicultural tolerance, you have decided to “keep an open mind” on the subject of unicorn, gargoyle and dinosaur heroes.
9. You asked for a tramp stamp for your birthday. To go with your cute dagger.
10. When you consider global warming, you fear mainly for the mermen.
Related posts:
Thanks for the laughs! I was getting in a bit of a mood. All better now.
I’d feel better about being team Jacob if my daughter wasn’t only a year younger than that Taylor boy.
Hey, mermen need love too!
This was awesome! Can’t stop laughing! Maybe the fact the most of the list sounded totally reasonable to me means I’ve *written* too much paranormal romance?
Love it!
Love this! I honestly can’t believe that people are writing (and reading) zombie romance novels. For the love of all that is holy and good in the world! That is just so, so wrong.
Oh, perfect! This is so hilarious. I love your 7 and 7.5. so so true! And the zombies. Mermen though…uh oh I’m missing a series I think. Can’t have that!
I’ve been neglecting number 3 but I can assure you, I will work the word “breathers” into my conversation as often as possible henceforth. And because I love this list so much, I won’t even tell my husband where to find you when he expresses disgust at said phrasing and asks from whom I heard said phrase.
This is brilliant! Number four made me choke on my water (and scare the cat off my lap) – well done!
Glad you guys liked it. I love PNR, really. But sometimes, you gotta make fun of what you love. If only to prove you still can.
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I love #6 and #7.5! I’ve often wondered why we don’t have more unicorn shifters because, sexually speaking, you can kill two birds with one stone AND I once read a dragon shifter romance – the dragon had two penises. Bet you can’t guess where that other penis ended up! How convenient.
Penile barbs…ouch!
Thank you so much for this wonderful list. I obviously read too much PNR because I got every reference and I was always 7.5 even though I only did the 7.
I am not sure I would put Lora Leigh and good world building into the same sentence but it was she who first introduced me to wolf breeds and knotting and feline breed’s barbs. I have not been the same since.
I love the idea of PNR as the vanguard of multi culturalism in romance which just adds more love to the love I have for Marjorie Liu’s Mer people and her Gargoyle heroes. Her Dirk & Steele books ‘Soul Song’ and ‘In the dark of Dreams’ had Mer people heroes and villains and ‘Dark Dreamers’ is the Gargoyle story.
Theolyn Boese has space faring Mer people as her protagonists; these are erotic PNR.
Happy multi cultural PNR reading
Hahaha… I do feel for the mermen and mermaids out there.
Your 7.5 should be Team Edward! lol
Not stinky Jacob.
I do fear for the mermen! But how could I not, with a name like Ariel?
How about “11) You give up on dating and never leave the house because, hey – your fated mate will find YOU, right? So que sera sera: you might as well get the grout clean and work on your novel while you wait. And if he isn’t all possessive gazes, bared claws, and mutterings about the Instinct from day one, it’s clearly not going anywhere. He’s a false hero.”
I think I’m ready for a friends-to-lovers PNR, frankly. Or – even better – one in which a paranormal heroine growls possessively over a baffled and unsure human hero. Suggestions definitely welcome.
@Merrian:
Um, yes. Hence the joke.
@Ariel/Sycorax Pine: LOL! I had another one in which you dump a guy because he thinks lycans and werewolves re the same.
@Keira: I changed that one back and forth several times. I want you to know it was a struggle.
This is one of the funniest posts I’ve read all week. Thanks for the laughs.
Multiple pene. Barbed pene. (Fated mates.) And the romance community is horrified by forced seduction…
Oh, wait. That’s called REBRANDING.
Number four sent me into hysterical giggles. I can just see that going down at Wednesday bible study. And your number 7.5 just put me over the top. Excuse me while I wipe the coffee off my monitor.
ps
Save the mermen! It’s important.
I don’t read that much PNR and I generally avoid vampire fic, but I did laugh a lot reading The Vampire is Just Not That Into You. Hilar!
OMG I got all of those barbs and so true with zombies.
I would think that the unicorns would be in own special catagory. LOL
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*snort*
*Chortles* I don’t read paranormal at all (tried and painfully snorted too much liquid through my nose trying to get through them; after administering first aid to my aggrieved nasal cavities, I gladly gave up) but I suspect it’s reached a saturation point and is perilously near done now that Facebook friends whom I know for a certainty do not follow pop culture trends closely or read much genre fiction in general say they are sick to death of zombies and vampires. (Pirates, too. Nobody I know wants to see the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie-not even those who think Captain Jack Sparrow is hot.)
I’m not sure what the next “big” thing in romance will be, but I suspect paranormal romance has peaked and the field is open for something else (I wouldn’t mind a good old-fashioned gothic/ghost story revival myself but that’s probably just because I’ve been reading (and loving!) a lot of Mary Stewart and Barbara Michaels lately). Maybe medicals will be the new thing. Or, if we’re lucky, historicals that actually are historical and not contemporaries in tawdry, slipshod, theatrical disguise. But I kind of doubt that…
Ariel/Sycorax Pine: Yeah, what I wouldn’t give to see the “fated mates” trope turned on its head! Mild-mannered CPA Jim Smith pursued relentlessly by Lupa Capitolina, the alpha of her pack, who just knows, despite his feeble but psychometrically accurate protests, that he is the one, the only, the fully licensed mate for her.
The whole fated mates things as presented in most PNR (reluctant human female, hot-to-trot, super de duper, alpha mega alpha shifter male) seems so last decade/last century Ellora’s Cave. I don’t want to read it again. I doubt that many other people do either.
I love it, Marie-Therese. I’m all over that one, as soon as you write it.
Tha post is the greatest. It made me gigle. I totally agree on the Demons being conflicted & misunderstood ;D
Team Edward
Hey! I’m in that book! Zombies FTW!
Great list and I think zombies are going to be around for a while yet, though I’d personally love to see more ghost stories out there. =]
LOL!! I’m in HFYL too, which made this wonderful post even better for me! barbed penises… HAH!!!!
I’m in HFYL too…Loved the post, but you mean they come WITHOUT barbs? Hmmm…I’ve obviously been shopping in the wrong areas of Arkham.
I am LOLing so hard right now. Sadly true! Yeay, world building! Thank you for sharing!
Glad you guys liked it. I actually really like that cover image.
These were awesome!
I’m guilty of many!
Ha! So glad I found your blog, this was the best thing ever.
So agree with most of the ten. However where do I find those Mermen?
LOL!!! Love it!
So good.
#4 made me spit coffee at my monitor and 7.5 is dead on.
[...] 10 signs that you’re reading too much paranormal romance, historical romance, or Scottish romance. (Hmm. I bet we could come up with a list for gay [...]
so funny
tramp stamp hehe thanks for the giggle, so needed that!
I’m feeling terribly normal about now. Laughing, but normal.
So funny! Loved #1, #2, and #4 — hilarious.
[...] at Read React Review posted a fun list: Top Ten Signs You’re Reading Too Much Paranormal Romance. I knew I was reading too much a while back, and have almost stopped since then, but I think it was [...]
lol! That was great! Thanks for the laugh!
wow…the hidden aspect of #3. It’s awesome mate