Penis v. Clitoris: Romance Superior Court, County of Erotica

[Don't mind me. I'm having a bit of fun here with some trends in the description of female sex organs in romance.]

Judge’s chambers. Mediation attempt.

In attendance: Plaintiff Mr. Penis, his lawyer, Phil O. Centric, Defendant Ms. Clitoris, her lawyer Uta Russ, and the Judge.

Judge: Why don’t we start with you, Mr. P?

Mr. Penis: [agitated, upset] Sure. Ok. Here’s the deal. We used to have rules. They worked. I’m the doer, the action guy, if you know what I mean. [leans towards Ms. C] She’s not even so much in the picture. It worked great.

Then one day, she demanded concessions. So I obliged. We made the hero’s arms do things no human arms can really do: reach in there, give her attention. Contracts were drawn up, it was a done deal. Everybody wins.

Now? All bets are off. You should see what’s going on. Females. [disgusted] You give ‘em a goddamned inch…

Mr. Centric: Your Honor, what my client is trying to communicate, is that he has been more than fair in ceding territory… but he is on the verge of what might best be called identity annihilation …

Ms. C: [outraged] Identity annihilation? I’ll tell you about “identity annihilation”! How about having to keep yourself behind a hood? Unknown, secretive, quiet, passive? You don’t know what it was like! All those years I didn’t even exist in your world!

Mr. P: [angrily] No, you didn’t! Because we didn’t need you! All we needed was me and Mrs. Vi Gina. Would god she was here, because she would set your young ass straight. We fit like hand and glove. She knew her place, and it worked. I gave, she took. I plunged, she received. Everybody knew who was the man and who was the woman.

[Suddenly the door to the conference room swings open. In walks a rather slippery looking woman with protuberant lips, and an older balding man with round spectacles and a beard, clutching a cigar.]

Judge: Ms. Gina, Mr. Freud, so glad you could join us, Please, sit down.

Ms. Gina: [organizing her folds] Thank you, Judge. I’m sorry we’re late.

Judge: Perhaps you could introduce yourselves.

Ms. Gina: Yes, well, I’m Mrs. Vi Gina, formerly the star of love scenes in erotic and other romances.

Mr. Freud: I’m Sigmund Freud. And if I had my way, you would always be the star, Vi. She [Baleful look to Ms. C] doesn’t understand the importance of your work to femininity. In order for a woman to be a real woman, she needs you, Vi. She needs to stop trying to be a man.

[Vi glances uncertainly between Ms. C and Mr. Freud]

Mr. P: I don’t think any of you get it. She [He gives an angry one-eyed glare at Ms. C] is taking over my role. Do you even know what she’s been up to? Phil, tell ‘em.

Mr. Centric: [clears throat] Your Honor, what my client contends is true. Despite making several generous concessions in the new era, which we have come to know as A.B.R. [After Bodice Ripping], his territory continues to be encroached upon by the Defendant. For example, she is recently described as “swollen”, “throbbing”, “hard”, and “engorged”, all terms which had heretofore been reserved for my client. Not to mention “ejaculate”.

Mr. Freud: Sounds like a nest of unresolved complexes to me. Maybe I should propose a panel at the next RWA?

Ms. Russ: [interrupting] That’s in the books because my client is those things. My client, after suffering in silence through year after year of invisibility …  after scores of romance novels in which all the heroine needed for the O of her life was mindless plunging, with nary a minute of foreplay, now refuses to hide her true self and her real needs.

Mr. P: [outraged] Mindless?? Mindless!! That’s defamatory! It was hard work getting those virginal heroines to …  [looks at his lawyer] Do something!

Ms. Russ: The Plaintiff makes my point, Your Honor. Times have changed. In A.B.R., we often don’t have virgins, and even when we do, we have women readers who know that it takes more than mere penetration to …

Mr. Centric: Let the record show we take strong exception to the use of the word “mere”. Let us not forget what we are dealing with is usually, with all due respect to Mrs. Gina, “tight” and “small”. But Your Honor, this goes well beyond decency. We have Ms. Clit doing things like “dancing”, “craving attention”,”humming”, “twitching” … Really. [scoffs] Are those acts a tiny nub of flesh can accomplish?

Ms. C: Tiny nub of flesh? I’m not just a nub, people. I extend way back inside the body, even behind our expert witness, Mrs. Gina. And don’t get me started on Mr. Delusions of Grandeur over here: “wide as a heroine’s wrist”? Who’d you have to bribe to get that description, hmmm?

Mr. P:[splutters] I…I…

[a collective "ewwwwwww" from the table]

Mr. P: Er, sorry. Got a little carried away there.

Vi: [rolls eyes] It isn’t the first time … [sighs longingly at Ms. Clit] And I love it that you do those things!  I really really do!!! [gratefully gazes at Ms. C]

Ms. C: Vi, have you been working out? I can’t help but notice when we’re doing our scenes together how strong you’ve gotten. “Milking”, “sucking”, “grasping”… you can more than hold your own. [nods at Freud] You don’t need this guy.

Mr. Freud: [looks disapprovingly at Vi] Vi –  What’s this? We’re supposed to be witnesses for the Plaintiff! [puffs angrily on his cigar]

Ms. C: Please. I think you need to go work on that oral/phallic issue you’ve got going there.

Mr. Freud: [harrumphs] Sometimes, madam, a cigar is just a cigar. [exits room in a puff of smoke]

Ms. Russ: Back to the issue at hand … my client is correct, Your Honor. Moreover, she has more nerve endings than the Plaintiff.

Ms. C: Yeah, I do. And you know what else? I am sick of being rediscovered. For 400 years, I have been discovered, hidden, rediscovered. Well, rediscover this, haterz! [Throws her hood off. Everybody gasps in awe.]

Mr. P: [sadly, knowing it's over. ] Can’t I keep “erect”?

Ms. C and Vi togther: NO!!!!!

Mr. P: [in a plaintive voice] “Rigid?”

[Ms. C glances at the judge in exasperation.]

Judge: I think we’re done here.

[The others collect their papers, shuffling out of the room.]

Mr. P: [Not giving up] How about “Hard as a bullet?” I don’t even get proprietary rights to that?

Judge: [Gently] I think it’s clear, Mr. P, that everyone wins when we share.

Mr. P: Ok, but … [thinking fast] “silk on steel”, “velvet shaft”,  “tumescence”, “blue veined custard chucker”, “purple headed womb broom” ???? [Looks hopeful] Those are still mine, right?

Ms. C: [laughing] I wouldn’t pay you for those, P. In fact, I’ll go out on strike if they try describing my ass that way. But a word to the wise:  if my neighbor Ms. Cervix ever catches you using “womb broom”… [shudders] … I can’t vouch for your safety…

[Vi whispers to Ms. C. Together, they look over at Mr. P.] Hey, P, why don’t you join us? We’re heading over to one of our favorite bars.

Mr. P: [smiling] After you, ladies. [sotto voce] The pink torpedo at your service.

[Ms. C and Vi roll their eyes. Laughing, the three exit the room.]