Warning: this post is not safe for work, for minors, or for the snark averse.

Savage Lust is one of those books that makes you think, “I could never write like that”. Never, that is, unless I had access to memory-erasing technology that could strip my brain of any knowledge I gained of the English language after age 8.

Here’s the plot: Topaz Fiero, R.N., inherits, from her mother’s lover, John, a sprawling Texas ranch occupied by John’s three sons, Chad, Sam and Johnny, who are very unhappy about the situation. “Fiero”, youngest brother Johnny informs us, “means savage. I looked it up on the internet on my mobile!” Oldest brother Chad is having none of this intercultural enlightenment, referring to Topaz as “some slut our father fucked.” Eventually they all want to have sex with each other. Topaz may or may not be their half sister, but nobody really cares about a little thing like incest in this book.

The writing made my brain hurt. Sentences like “Tires screeched as Chad pulled up before the steps and after getting out of the vehicle, he slammed the door hard.” made me wonder if the text had gone through Google translator a few dozen times before making it onto my Kindle. Then there was the repetitiveness. I swear that girl was a yeast infection waiting to happen with all the times “her panties grew damp.” Every once in a while (ok, constantly) the characters seem to think they are in a different novel. Topaz, for example, says things like “bloody well” and the brothers use expressions like “ye gads!”.

As she travels to Texas, Topaz wonders, “How will they receive me?”. Oh, no, Nurse Fiero. the question is: in how many ways will you receive them?

Topaz arrives at the ranch, and is treated coldly by all except Corky, “a robust black lady with a shining round face and a very friendly smile” who refers to our newly arrived slut as “Mizz” and the brothers as “Master”.

In short order, Chad and Topaz have a tender moment in the middle of a raging thunderstorm as she strokes “Lucifer”, his black stallion. They kiss, but he suddenly leaves, because the plot requires it. What’s a virgin nurse to do in a stable in a rainstorm but yank her pants down and masturbate on a bale of hay?  Chad returns, having spied on her, and threatens her with rape, but stops when he puts his finger inside her and feels “her most prized possession, her virginity”. Chad seeks his own release, described lyrically by the author as “grabbing his cock and pulling the skin back and forth.”

Sam, after having an epiphany (“We don’t have to treat her so crappy”) takes Topaz to a swimmin’ hole. This allows him his turn to spy on and nearly rape Mizz Topaz followed by a quick pull o’ the taffy while submerged. Our heroine apologizes for failing to pull his taffy for him, explaining that she’s saving herself for a foursome with three rancher brothers “a man who wants to commit to me for life.”

Soon, it’s Johnny’s turn. And these brothers must have had special gynecological training, because he, too, stops himself when “I felt your hymen”.

For her part, our virgin is confused: three makeout grope sessions in three days with three different men, which one does she love?

But the action takes an unexpected turn when Chad, furious at the thought that this whore will host their annual Christmas party (he’s a bit of a traditionalist, our Chad), storms out of the house and attempts to take out all his frustration on the giant decorated tree in the mansion’s front yard. With an axe. “Without thinking, Topaz ran as fast as she could and threw herself at him just as the axe came crashing down”. And then she dies, a bloody heap at the foot of the Christmas tree.

Just kidding!

Miraculously, both Topaz and the tree are pretty much unscathed. But a shaken Chad retreats to the barn where his father appears in ghostly form, to conveniently answer all his questions about Topaz. Just as in Hamlet, he calls his son a “jackass” and “dumb as a bag of rocks”.  Giving credence to my theory that peeping-tomism is genetic in the Douglas family, he lets Chad know he saw him almost take Topaz’s virginity. Topaz is special, he warns his son, unlike his old girlfriend, who “always reminded him of a blow up doll.” Gee dad, you always had a way with words.

Convinced either by her constantly slick cunt or their dead father, Chad, Johnny and Sam have pretty much accepted Topaz by the night of the Christmas party. Unfortunately, right when the Bible reading is about to start, Topaz is attacked by Chad’s blow up doll, I mean ex girlfriend: “Topaz’s nursing experience told her right away that she’d been injected with something.” The blow up doll tries to convince the brothers Topaz abandoned them, but they begin to doubt her story when they find an empty syringe in Topaz’s bathroom trash. I guess blow up dolls aren’t that smart after all!

Topaz, meanwhile, is at the mercy of the blow up doll’s lackeys. Despite one of the men telling the other to “put that hungry cock of yours back in your pants” — because thugs always refer to each other’s cocks as “hungry” — Topaz has occasion to wonder “Is this to be my fate? To be raped by a foul, stinking, rustling cowboy turned kidnapper?” No, Topaz. don’t you know what book you’re starring in? Your fate is to be raped by three nice smelling cowboys. Breaking the pattern, the kidnapper masturbates without sticking his finger inside her and feeling her hymen.

Eventually, Topaz is rescued. She and Johnny declare their love for each other, with the following unexpected and not entirely welcome addendum from Topaz: “I love your brothers, too”. Oh, snap!

Eventually, Chad proposes, but Topaz tells him she wants to marry his brothers in a handfasting ceremony (this pagan ritual was suggested by Mammy, I mean Corky). Using her patented sexy move on his penis (“she moved the skin back and forth”) she convinces first Chad, then the others to go along with it. I mean, this woman survived an axing and a hypodermic needle. Who thought for a minute she couldn’t convince three traditional Texas cowboys to share her? She simply explains that their menage is not “out of sexual lust, orgies and all that. This would be a union of love. Completely different.”

Rather than worrying about three pairs of dirty socks to pick up every day, and three mouths full of bad breath to greet her every morning, our intrepid Topaz is excited to “bear children for all three of you! And just wait, I want lots and lots of kids!”.

As they get ready for the big night, Chad remember that his dead father can see his every move and hear his every thought. He informs Johnny, who acknowledges it gives him “the damn creeps”. Sam counsels, “We’ll just have to put it out of our mind. If he does sit and watch us, all I can say is that he’ll get his jollies out of it.” Dear dad, as well as both dead moms (!!!!), show up to add a new layer of prurient incest. Dad tells the boys, “It’s fantastic. … I’ll be here watching you.” It is at this moment that the mystery of Topaz’s conception is revealed: her mother Juanita was raped. Phew. Not all of them are related to each other, then.

Finally, the big deflowering night arrives. The author has a hard time balancing the purple with the pron, and shifts from descriptions like this: “Her virginal folds, the pink canal, slightly opened, still tight because it had never been invaded by what it needed” … to this: “he continued to finger fuck her”. The next night, having exactly 24 hours of lovemaking experience, Topaz enjoys triple penetration without batting an eye.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The author’s website has a photo of a large breasted, blond, scantily clad model, but as I read the text itself, the following authorial image kept springing to mind:

This book gave me a lot of enjoyment. It really did.

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