See how well you know your Harlequin Presents/Silhouette Desires:

1. Our hero is a billionaire tycoon, running a multinational corporation. How much time does he actually spend working?

a. His picture is next to “workaholic” in the dictionary

b. He tries to keep it under 80 a week, to leave time for charm and elegance.

c. Absolutely none.

2. In what way is our hero least likely to show his frustration?

a. Run a hand through his hair.

b. Clench his jaw.

c. Nibble on his fingernails.

3. Our hero’s lips are least likely to be what?

a. Hard and sensual

b. Mocking

c. Covered in Cheeto crumbs.

4. Our heroine’s attitude towards marriage is least likely to be which of the following:

a. She will never allow herself to be dependent on a man! Never!!

b. She must get married immediately! Like, right now!!

c. Sure, someday, if she meets the right guy.

5. The hero touches the heroine’s arm as he shows her through a doorway. Her physiological response is most likely which of the following?

a. Nothing. She barely notices.

b. It tickles a little, so she scratches it.

c. Sweat, heart palpitations, dizziness. Please call the paramedics.*

*Spontaneous combustion if skin is bare. Call fire department.

6. What is our hero’s attitude towards other women least likely to be?

a. Some of them — his mother, baby sister and geriatric secretary, to be exact — are wonderful.

b. Most of them — especially his lovers past and present, and indeed any woman not mentioned in (a) — are scheming superficial bitches.

c. He doesn’t have an attitude “towards women”. He judges people individually.

7. Which method for luring the hero to bed is most likely to be successful?

a. Candlelight dinner, mood music, sexy lingerie.

b. Talk to another man.

c. Tell him in insulting terms that you do not want to have sex with him. Extra points for physical punctuation mark, such as a slap.

8. Our hero is not an American. From which country is he least likely to hail?

a. Greece, Italy or Spain

b. An exotic Sheikdom

c. Any former member of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics.

9. English is not our hero’s first language (see question 8). When does he speak his native tongue?

a. All of the time. (Our heroine has a translator app on her iPhone)

b. Most of the time, but uses English when heroine needs taming.

c. Never, with the key exceptions of one term of endearment and one minor swear, both used over and over. (Example: Greek –Agape mou/Theos! Italian: Bella mia/Dio! Spanish: Querida/Por Dios!)

Warning: the following questions are “adult rated”.

(I am sorry to be explicit, but we must be thorough to get accurate results.)

10. Which best describes our heroine’s vagina?

a. Her vagine hang like a wizard’s sleeve, as Borat would say.

b. Hot, wet and tight.

c. No one knows. It has never been viewed or penetrated by any mortal being, save perhaps her gynecologist.

11. How often does our hero sport wood?

a. Rarely. Work is stressing him out and his wonderful geriatric secretary forgot to refill his Viagra prescription.

b. Whenever he is nekkid with the heroine.

c. Every time he sees, hears, smells, touches, or thinks of the heroine. That is to say, all of the time, except for the required grace period of 60 seconds after each ejaculation.

Scoring:

Give yourself 1 point for each (a) answer, 2 points for each (b) answer, and 3 points for each (c) answer.

0-13: You have never read a romance novel in your life. Why are you here?

14-26 points: You can do better. Put down your Jennie Crusies, Ann Aguirres, and Jo Beverlys and pick up the nearest copy of The Secretly Ruthless Italian Gazillionaire Tycoon’s Conveniently Pregnant Virgin Mistress Bride right away.

26 and up: You win! You may now use “heart” as a verb, do things to deserve “punishing” kissess, and fall in love with the next man named Dante who crosses your path!

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