Lying to oneself is a special skill humans possess.
I know this because it happens to be one of my personal gifts. Unfortunately, my lies do not fool anyone else.
To wit, my college roomies once presented me with a list of “Jessica’s Top 5 Lies.” Number 5 was, “I do not eat everyone’s food.” And number 1 was, “I am not upset about this list.” (Thanks guys. Still not mad. Really.)
It occurred to me that one of the reasons I have such a special affinity for romance novels is that the heroes and heroines share my talent for self-deceit.
Without further ado, the Top 10 Lies of the Hero and Heroine:
10. We are only having sex to consummate the marriage. Just the once. Because we have to.
9. This isn’t love. It’s just (a) a fling [contemp], or (b) an arrangement [historical or Harlequin Presents], or (c) Fate [paranormal].
8. I am not jealous. Merely concerned. [Emphatic version: "Look at those fools falling all over him/her. I will never be one of them!"]
7. I do not think of my friend’s sister/former sister-in-law/friend’s nanny/best friend/ex-wife or girlfriend/coworker/employee as “hot.” Please.
6. I truly desire a proper/demure/safe/reliable spouse.
5. He doesn’t want me! He’s just repairing my house/babysitting my kid/offering me a job for which I am woefully unqualified/arranging to have my art shown/ “investigating” me despite the fact that I was in Toledo when the crime occurred/otherwise constantly showing up — with a hammer/toy bat/v. thick pencil/v.v. thick paintbrush/gun in his pocket — for no apparent reason!
4. Leaving town without saying goodbye is a super way to fix things (Especially if I am (a) pregnant, (b) destitute, or (c) in mortal danger).
3. Having sex with him will get him out of my system!
2. I want her/him to marry that secondary character.
1. I regret what just happened.
Can you think of big ones I have missed???
Quiz
Match the book below with the lie above (some may fit more than one):
A. Sarah Mayberry, Anything For You
B. JR Ward, Lover Awakened
C. Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Dream A Little Dream
D. Julie Ann Long, Like No Other Lover
E. Victoria Dahl, Talk Me Down
F. Lisa Kleypas, Seduce Me At Sunrise
G. Any billionaire CEO in any Harlequin presents
H. Loretta Chase, Your Scandalous Ways
I. Julia Quinn, The Viscount Who Loved Me
J. Julie James, Just The Sexiest Man Alive
K. Lisa Kleypas, Devil In Winter
L. Judith McNaught, Whitney, My Love
M. Susan Mallery, Irresistable
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#1 by MoJo on April 18, 2009 - 5:25 pm
This is my particular favorite.
#2 by Crystal Jordan on April 18, 2009 - 5:36 pm
I have a sudden urge to write a book that goes three for three on this one. I could totally make it work!
#3 by JenB on April 18, 2009 - 10:26 pm
Uh, yeah…if he sucks at sex. This one actually annoys me.
But not as badly as #5 (He doesn’t want me.) #5 is especially lovely when dragged out over 300+ pages.
#4 by Maya M. on April 19, 2009 - 12:03 am
hahaha!
i’ll take a stab at some minor ones:
‘i actually prefer the lowlander…’
‘i actually prefer the lord whose hessians aren’t polished to a mirror shine/ the folds of whose cravat are not snowy…’
‘i actually prefer the were-racoon….’
‘i actually prefer the non-tatooed guy…’
#5 by azteclady on April 19, 2009 - 10:45 am
Can’t answer–laughing to hard.
Thank you, Jessica, these are priceless.
#6 by loonigrrl on April 19, 2009 - 12:26 pm
This list is great- #5 is my favorite
#7 by Margie on April 19, 2009 - 12:27 pm
I love #5. Thanks Jessica. I especially love when the heroine comes up with the the most insane explanations for why the hero keeps showing up/beating up other suitors/snarling at her, because it can’t be attraction!
Some others to consider:
- I don’t care that you’re not a virgin (historical&HQ Presents)
- I’m not trying to reform him…because that never works.
- I feel perfectly fulfilled without a man/2.5 kids.
- She deserves to be treated this way because her father wronged me/a woman in my past hurt me/no one loved me as a child/I’m 100 years old and have grown cold inside.
#8 by Margie on April 19, 2009 - 12:29 pm
Oh, and Maya I could not stop laughing about the were-raccoon comment. So many great images…someone should get on that.
#9 by Nicola O. on April 19, 2009 - 12:45 pm
Those little eye-mask markings are so sexy, aren’t they? Puts you in mind of bandits…. highwaymen… pirates… blindfolds…
<snickers>
#10 by Maya M. on April 19, 2009 - 1:45 pm
Raccoons – so cute as babies, in cartoons, and when at a safe movie-distance playing innocent woodland-creatures. So not cute when tossing your garbage can, hissing from your attic, and generally acting like obese, smelly, non-intimidated and aggressive vandals.
But oh, the potential for inclusion as novel characters…
#11 by Kate on April 19, 2009 - 3:07 pm
Tangentially, I was home recently and stopped the car in the middle of the road to watch a huge-ass raccoon wriggling its way up a tree in the broad daylight – seriously thought it was real-life’s first spotting of an ROUS, very strange and awkward. It sort of spoils my idea of raccoons in romances. A were-raccoon, however…that’s a different kettle of fish.
Crystal, I’d be the first to buy your book of “This isn’t love. It’s just (a) a fling [contemp], or (b) an arrangement [historical or Harlequin Presents], or (c) Fate [paranormal].”
#12 by Tumperkin on April 19, 2009 - 3:20 pm
*snorts*
I love #3. It’s so utterly ludicrous/ not based on the way real people think AT ALL and it’s so prevalent, esp in categories.
You can link #3 to #9 with (d) a burning obsession which I need to slake by having sex with X in order to get X OUT OF MY SYSTEM.
#13 by Jessica on April 19, 2009 - 3:47 pm
Wait, how did this thread become a meditation on whether a were-raccoon would make a good hero, hmmmmmmmm?????
I nominate these two for inclusion in the list:
Maya M. wrote:
Margie wrote:
Thanks ladies!
Tumperkin wrote:
I know! This one was in Mayberry’s Anything For You, a book I really liked (if I started ruling our romances based on h/h self-deceit, I would have a piss poor selection left over).
It’s even more bizarre when friends/siblings collaborate in the deceit by responding with something like, “What a great idea!!”
#14 by willaful on April 20, 2009 - 1:49 am
How about “forcing this woman whom I think is a thief/whore/thieving whore/whorish thief to marry me and be the mother of my children is a perfectly logical plan.”
And its correlary, “I have to sleep with him/marry him/live in an fabulous house filled with servants with him – I have no choice!”
#15 by carolyn jean on April 20, 2009 - 11:49 am
Oh, these are great! My fave is #5. Grrr! Yet, I have sort of used it!
I love your little quiz, too! I could do it for the books I know, but it was really fun!