I haven’t told anyone in real life besides my spouse and my mom about this blog.
But I also haven’t gone to any special lengths to hide my identity, other than not posting my last name or university affiliation, and I know that any visitor could figure it out if she gave a darn.
Yesterday, in person, a grad student asked me about it. He was very polite, and said I didn’t have to answer the question. Rather than feeling “outed”, I was happy to take credit for the blog.
For a minute I thought: “Hmm. Why not just link this up with my professional web page? Why not tell my students or colleagues (if it’s relevant)? Why not tell my friends?”
But I think I still want to keep RRR, at least nominally, a space for me, the private Jessica, rather than Jessica the public person (the coworker, the neighbor, the colleague, the friend).
So while I’m fine with people in RL finding out about it (especially people I like, as in the grad student), I’m still not ready to publicize it in RL.
This makes me wonder — since almost everyone who comments here has her own blog — what do you do? Am I unusually (if not effectively) secretive?
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#1 by Laura Vivanco on February 7, 2009 - 11:16 am
I think it’s easier for me because my blog posts on romance are part of my academic work.
#2 by Jessica on February 7, 2009 - 11:46 am
Laura Vivanco wrote:
True, but who in RL knows about TMT? Only academic contacts?
#3 by Laura Vivanco on February 7, 2009 - 12:25 pm
My close family and friends all know I’m working on romance novels and know about the blog, the medievalist-academics I’ve talked to off-line know about it, and I’ve also mentioned it in conversations with other people, so no, definitely not a secret.
Everything I post about online is stuff I’d be prepared to discuss with friends, family and colleagues. If I did want to keep something a secret, I wouldn’t blog about it. Perhaps because I’ve met people off-line that I got to know online, I think of blogs and websites as being fairly “public” and “real life.”
#4 by Renee on February 7, 2009 - 12:44 pm
I’ve been the same way. I might mention I keep a book blog to people I know, but only VERY rarely, and even then I’m not forthcoming with the name/url. The only exception is work. I work for a therapist who has a site and a blog. I maintain both, so often I’ll use my blog as an example for things we’re trying to do.
Otherwise, I have been keeping my blog life separate from the rest of things. It’s not listed in my Facebook, or anywhere else, publicly. In some ways, I think it’s that I’m feeling protective of my blog. Irrational, I know, but there you go.
#5 by ReacherFan on February 7, 2009 - 12:46 pm
I have several blogs, but only 1 active one. How long I’ll stick with it remains to be seen. I was debating letting people on a message board know about it. I had trouble with trolls on another blog and had to close it to comments. I don’t want my professional and private live online overlapping. Those who know me well would recognize me in my blog – if they ever found it.
My first blog – a completely whimsical story by myself and several others, taught me a lesson about staying anonymous when someone threatened to sue me. That was a fun time.
In addition to that, I served as a Destination Expert on TripAdvisor.com for several years and recently stopped doing it. Apparently, I had way more influence than I thought possible as many of the local business people wanted to met me and some even offered free stuff. I never accepted anything free – not even from TripAdvisor itself. Too many years in real life having to make unbiased decisions – and I routinely rejected any gifts then as well, excepting business lunches and the like. Needless to say, I have choose to stay anonymous.
Besides, the last thing I need to have someone ask me a question about one of my ‘on screen’ personas while I’m doing a presentation or worse, when I work as an expert witness. EEK! Man, that deposition would go south fast. LOL
#6 by Wendy on February 7, 2009 - 1:16 pm
Immediate family (Mom, Dad, 2 sisters) and my significant other. That’s it. But like you, I certainly haven’t gone to great lengths (heck, any lengths for that matter!) to hide my true identity. Recently my immediate supervisor found my blog, and told me she liked it. That being said, I do not actively publicize it at work. If people find me by accident, that’s fine. But I don’t go around “bragging” either.
#7 by Kristen on February 7, 2009 - 1:41 pm
I used to be fairly secretive about my blog. My fiance and immediate family knew about it and that was it. Now all my coworkers and friends know, too, although I don’t give out a name or URL unless asked for it. It was only a couple of weeks ago that everyone at work asked for the URL. I prefer keeping it separate from work, but I’ve talked about it more lately since the company has been working on utilizing blogging and Twitter.
I’ve never gone to any great lengths to hide my identity, even before I told people, though. My first name, location, and profession are all listed there.
#8 by dharmagirl on February 7, 2009 - 2:42 pm
Jessica, I’m enjoying your blog!
I have two blogs, one professional (posts for students, presentations, etc.) and one personal (mostly foodie stuff, a little about writing). The first is published with my real identity, the second under this pseudonym. It can be confusing…like when I’m logged in under one account and almost post a comment with that identity…it seems a little silly, but I suppose I like the freedom that semi-anonymity provides in my personal blog. Of course, as I have readers who know about both blogs and know my true identity, the worlds blend. And that’s okay.
#9 by Jill Sorenson on February 7, 2009 - 2:56 pm
No one in my “real life” cares about my blog! Sometimes I post stuff I don’t want my mom to read, like exploration of BDSM themes or whatever, so I’m not offended by the lack of interest. My relatives are sweet, but I don’t want to talk about sex with them. : )
#10 by Sarah Frantz on February 7, 2009 - 3:13 pm
I’ve had an interesting, gradual internet life. I started out just on LiveJournal, semi-anonymous, known to my circle of friends on LJ. I linked to my B&N books from LJ, but it didn’t have much connection to my academic life (and still doesn’t). When I started commenting on Suzanne Brockmann’s message board, lo these many years ago, I used “Sarah F.” as my handle, b/c I was just another Brockmann fan, nothing special. Ditto SBTB–I posted there as Sarah F., basically to separate myself from SB Sarah. In fact it was a comment from me about too many Sarahs that made SB Sarah start posting in the comments AS SB Sarah to differentiate herself from me.
When I started posting on TMT, though, I used my full name, and when I started realizing that this was going to be the direction my career was going to move (when we started editing the long-and-still-awaited New Perspectives on Popular Romance), I continued using my full name, moving my full name onto SBTB, as well, and all the other romance blogs out there.
And it’s tricky, in some respects, because of what I write about at DA: BDSM erotic romance. Because, while I’m not ashamed about the topic I’m interested in and writing about, it’s going to be interesting to have students bring it up when they Google me or follow the link I’ve got as a sig-file in my Gmail. Hasn’t happened yet, but I’m sure it will. It’s not like I haven’t talked about those topics before in class and I’m perfectly capable of doing it with a straight (HA!), non-blushing face, but still, it’ll be interesting, to say the least.
So, yeah, completely out.
#11 by Marg on February 7, 2009 - 3:30 pm
I think most people know I blog, but only a couple of them ever visit!
Every now and again I know my sister reads my blog, which occasionally makes me uncomfortable, but it’s only a small thing and we both get over it soon enough.
#12 by Tumperkin on February 7, 2009 - 4:25 pm
No-one. I’m paranoid. Why do you think I have such an absurd nom de guerre?
#13 by Lori on February 7, 2009 - 6:28 pm
I try to keep my RL separate. My husband knows, and my son saw it by accident (story for another day, LOL), but I actually have 3 separate bogs, all under the same identity. One strictly for reviewing books, one for general talk, gossip, and romance friend/community chat, and the third about my life living with 3 guys (minds out of the gutter people – husband and two sons).
I have had RL cross over, because someone from my blog life left a comment on my husband’s band’s blog, and one of the band guys hopped over. That was creepy.
But also, my mom, who apparently has nothing else to do but sit on the internet all day, spent hours hopping from hubby’s blog clicking links on comments till she found my blog. It’s where I vent and talk about my family, and to be frank, I really don’t want anyone from RL heading over there, reading what I post about them. Yeah, having my mom tell me she saw a post I wrote about the “c” word? Not so fun. The woman needs a new hobby. Just sayin’.
#14 by Jessica on February 7, 2009 - 6:48 pm
Tumperkin wrote:
Tumperkin is a nom de guerre? I thought you had creative parents.
Laura Vivanco wrote:
Thanks for amplifying, Laura. I agree that it’s a pretty artificial distinction in some ways.
Renee wrote:
What an interesting concept. I never thought about protecting the blog, only protecting myself.
ReacherFan wrote:
Thanks for these cautionary comments. I don’t think I would get more trolls if more RL people knew about the blog (most of my students don’t dislike me that much, if end of term evaluations are any indication). But the awareness that not everyone likes you, and that some of those people are unbalanced, is important.
Kristen wrote:
Your comment reminds me that another thing (and not just that convo w/the student) that prompted this post, was that a friend started a blog and is having all kinds of trouble with it. Since I’m ahead of him on the learning curve, I have felt like NOT offering help has almost crossed the line from “being private” to “lying by omission”.
dharmagirl wrote:
Isn’t it funny how we can overtly take on personas like that online? It’s much easier to control one’s public image online, or at least it seems so to me now. I now also have another nascent WP blog connected by my email to this one. It’s professional — not even academic, but related to my consulting work. And I do worry about posting there as Racy Romance Reviews!
Jill Sorenson wrote:
I’m fairly certain this is how it would be with me, too, (with one exception — see below) since no one I know reads romance!
Sarah Frantz wrote:
Thanks for sharing that interesting bit of romanceland history, and your own journey.
I’ve been thinking more about this, and I wonder if more people in my RL do, in fact, know about my blog (or yours) but feel it’s “off the clock” and thus private. Like if I saw saw a neighbor in her house at night, through a window, reading Lisa Kleypas, and then saw her the next day at the bus stop, I wouldn’t say “Hey, I saw that you read Kleypas too!”
I do worry about repercussions for untenured faculty. My field is so conservative, even the feminists, and so much doesn’t “count” that should, and does “count” that shouldn’t. You are much braver than I was at your age!
Marg wrote:
Since my sister is an evangelical Christian these days, I have an actual palpable fear that she will one day find this blog. I take enough heat already for being a Jew. I can only imagine what posts like “Come For Me Baby: Orgasm on Command” would invite!
#15 by bookwormom on February 7, 2009 - 7:00 pm
I don’t know how much crossover I have, to tell you the truth. All of my family knows about my book blog. In order to protect their privacy I’ve always used pseudonyms, although everyone knows who is who(m?)- or can guess. Initially I began the blog as a way to keep track of what I’ve read because I was buying too many repeats. The amount of ‘real life’ stories that make their way onto the blog varies on my mood and the amount I’ve been reading. I’ve always been mindful that no matter how much I think the blog is private, I’m always aware that, in fact the blog is public and may/will be found by people who know me. I only write about what I’m willing to discuss as a public manner.
Recently I found out my hubby has been giving out the blog addy to friends and coworkers (he’s a nurse, so the majority of his coworkers are women) and fellow parishoners. I’m not sure how comfortable I am with this, but he’s already done it, so I guess protesting would be like shutting the barn door after the horses are out. I’m conflicted I guess. I’ve always thought of my ‘book life’ as semi private I suppose.
#16 by Nicole on February 7, 2009 - 8:01 pm
My mom, my boyfriend and one coworker I have known a long time. Also my Dinner Club…because I don’t really know any of them. I am more willing now to tell people…but I feel its a private thing. Something I am doing just for me.
#17 by JenB on February 8, 2009 - 12:51 am
My parents are Sunday school teachers and community leaders, and my younger brother is in seminary school to become a pastor in a very conservative denomination. Out of respect for my family and because I don’t want them reading certain things about my private life, I haven’t let them found out about my blog. It’s not searchable in the blog databases and it’s not under my real name. My parents don’t even know what kinds of books I read. For all I know, they think I read inspirational romance and classic literature. (OMG, if they only knew.)
My husband knows about my blog and I’ve showed him a few posts on it. My boss and co-workers know I have a blog, but I’ve never showed it to any of them. I’m an insurance agent and I have a really casual job, so the content could never get me in trouble. It’s the fact that I do a lot of blogging on work time that could bite me in the butt.
My closest friends know I have a blog, but I’ve never bothered to show it to them either. I have Facebook and MySpace for the “real life” stuff. It’s kind of nice to get away from all that and keep my blogging/reviewing separate from real life.
#18 by Bridget Locke on February 8, 2009 - 3:26 am
I have two blogs, neither of which are under my real name. Bridget Locke is the pseudonym I hope to be published under someday and LotR is the name I write my reviews under.
If people in the RW figured out who I was, well, good for them, but like you I’m not going to pronounce it to the world. It’s nobodies business…really, it’s not.
#19 by Nicola O. on February 8, 2009 - 2:14 pm
I’m pretty open. I link most of my posts to my facebook profile, so anyone that knows me on facebook can get to my blog.
The reverse is harder, but not impossible. I use the same email address for my blog as I do for everything else — word of caution, if you want your worlds to remain separate, use separate email addys.
I had sort of thought to keep my facebook stuff strictly social, but I have a few work friends on there now. It causes me a bit of discomfort and moments of hesitation around posting things like my infamous Penis Post, but on the other hand, I am a strong believer that the romance genre will continue to be marginalized as long as the readers themselves are defensive and secretive about reading it.
I also believe that conversations about sex & sexuality are far too shrouded in shame and secrecy in American culture. I try to walk a line between practicing what I preach and still living, working, and parenting within that society.
So, I self-censor to some extent (a comment that never was on JenB’s pubic hair post, frex!) but in exchange for that, I am free with my identity, which frees me from the worry that someone will find me out. I know I’m not smart enough to mask my IP address or stuff like that, so anyone with an iota of network savvy could find me out pretty easily anyway.
#20 by Janice on February 8, 2009 - 4:32 pm
Well, the blog in my link is emphatically public. It replaced a pseudonymous blog that everyone ending up knowing about: students, colleagues, my family and their friends. Now I also keep a pseudonymous journal on another site with most of the content available only to identified others in the system. That fills my need for all the random acts of blogging that I don’t think are fit for parent, sister, children or students!
#21 by Jessica on February 8, 2009 - 9:23 pm
bookwormom wrote:
This is a good rule, although it is very tempting to break it sometimes!
It will be interesting to see what comes of your blog address getting out in RL.
Nicole wrote:
I feel this way too, like if it’s public, then suddenly I have these responsibilities. I’m not sure why I think that, but I definitely do.
JenB wrote:
ROFL!
As for blogging during work, yes, that’s tricky. I try not to do it — you’ll notice I usually post before 7:00am or after 6:00pm, but I do look at comments and sometimes can’t help reply during the day. Definitely a no no, even if I am, as I tell myself, on lunch break.
Bridget Locke wrote:
I hear you on that one.
Nicola O. wrote:
This is really well said. I was thinking about the difference between shameful secrecy and privacy (and Laura and I shared a few emails about this a while back).
For example, my sex life is private. I am not ashamed of it in any way, but for one thing, I owe it to my partner not to blab, and for another, it’s nobody’s business but ours. So, it’s private, but not a shameful secret.
However, I feel this line is very hard to draw when reviewing romances in some ways. For example, I am not gay, so when I write that Josh Lanyon’s explicit scenes are hot, nobody assumes I am a gay man. But I am still revealing something of a sexual nature about myself, on some level, or at least it feels that way to me. I have found this one of the more challenging things about blogging about romance. I am a very private person in RL.
On the other hand, I have so enjoyed and admired all of the forthright talk about sexy books that you ladies manage on your blogs.
Janice wrote:
I find that “need” so puzzling, and yet I seem to have it, too. I find myself tempted to blog about my day sometimes. Why is that? Is it our confessional culture? Our need for publicity?
#22 by Violet on February 9, 2009 - 1:08 am
You know this is a really good question and something that I worry about often. I am a very private person and I like to keep my online life different. Only my sis knows that I have a blog and I am not sure she knows the name.
#23 by Janine on February 9, 2009 - 3:27 am
Hmm. I told my closest RL friend and her husband about my blogging for Dear Author a couple of years ago. More recently I also told my parents, my sister and my in laws. Fortunately none of them really care about it, or read it on a regular basis.
I’m frankly a lot more nervous about people I know in real life reading my fiction, than about them reading my bloggings. The thought of relatives reading sex scenes I have written really makes me squirm. It’s something I pretend will never happen when I write.
I think that being any kind of writer though (and that includes a blogger) means that you have to be revealing of yourself. Just as if you want to swim, you have to show up at the pool in a bathing suit. Sure, you could stay at home covered from head to toe, but then you’d miss out on something worth experiencing.
#24 by Laura Vivanco on February 9, 2009 - 4:28 am
I was thinking about the difference between shameful secrecy and privacy (and Laura and I shared a few emails about this a while back)
Oh noooo! Jessica has revealed that we shared emails! Some people might think email sharing is something that should be kept secret, between consenting adults.
OK, I’ll try and be serious about this. That comment reminded me that although we’ve discussed blogs and privacy, we haven’t so far mentioned emails and privacy. No doubt this is because it’s somewhat off-topic, but I will boldly go there anyway. There I have been a couple of occasions that I’ve noticed (and I’m sure many more that I haven’t noticed) on which readers have sent an email to authors or bloggers, and presumably they assumed that the email would stay private, but the person to whom they sent it published it on their blog for everyone to read. In the cases I remember, the name of the person who wrote the email wasn’t given, but the publishing of the emails still caused lots of comment and discussion about privacy and confidentiality.
I wonder if the amount and nature of communications technology we’ve got makes it more and more difficult to retain privacy. Recently I read an article about privacy which suggested that with the internet, mobile phones, CCTV etc it may be that things only really remain private if we think them but never express them at all:
everyone is now in the public eye: tracked as we walk the streets by 4m CCTV cameras protecting us from crimes for which we might then be arrested if our DNA is in the state database.
At least when we reach the office, we may be lost to surveillance – unless a colleague is training a mobile on us or reporting a remark. This is the way we live now. Until the arrival of thought-reading devices, everyone will have to live like a reality TV star, imagining a microphone roped round their neck.
And yet, like the barber who found out that King Midas had ass’s ears, many?/most? of us do want to share what we know. There’s always been gossip, and lots of people over the years have kept diaries. So I’m not sure there’s anything particularly new in the feelings which lie behind you writing that
I find myself tempted to blog about my day sometimes. Why is that? Is it our confessional culture? Our need for publicity?
What very definitely is new is the ease with which we can now communicate with lots of people, and perhaps because of the internet and reality TV we think of ourselves as part of a community which in reality is extremely large, so what might once have been limited to a quiet gossip between a couple of people now ends up in blog posts available for much of the world to read or on TV for millions to see.
#25 by Jessica on February 9, 2009 - 7:13 am
Janine wrote:
This is a great point. I’ve been thinking about that — how even when you are blogging under your own identity (semi anon as it is), it’s never the full truth of you, but the way you felt or saw something at that moment. You can claim it without admitting that it defines you. I think there are a lot of parallels to fiction writing. but that’s a whole nother kettle of fish!
Laura,
sorry to out you!
Th question about email sharing is a good one which I would personally love to think more about, but I’m about to unplug for a while and will have to put it on the Wall of Think instead.
You’re right that the need to confess or share or reveal is not new. I guess it’s the telling of stories about ourselves that help us make sense of ourselves to ourselves and to others.
#26 by carolyn jean on February 15, 2009 - 5:57 pm
Oh, boy, I have been trying to build up a wall between my blog identity and my RL one. As a freelance advetising copywriter, i totally don’t need clients who are considering paying me a bunch of money to write their campaigns google my Real Name and read what little CJ has to say about penises and so forth. I wish I had been more prudent in the beginning! Because you CAN google my real name and get my blog, but thank goodness it’s getting lower on the list.
Aside from unfortunate googles, the only person in my RL who knows about my blog is my husband and a few pals, and none of them read it. Anything else would cramp my style.