Because all you pre-published authors are not the only ones out there with “issues”…

1. 8:00am: Dispatch children and spouse, light wood stove, put coffee on. Arrange papers in alphabetical order. Acquire pens, adjust lighting, turn on laptop “just in case”.

2. Check email. Answer email.

3. Surf the net for 90 minutes.

4. Choose paper from the pile. Take cap off pen. Read first paragraph.

5. Check for new posts in Google reader. Check for new comments on blog. Emergency check to make sure comment made on widely read blog has not been misinterpreted by later commenters.

6. Refill coffee mug. Was that the mailman? Check snail mail.

7. Let cat out. Recall, too late, that cat despises snow. Let cat in.

8. Repair to wood stove with angry wet cat. Ten minutes of apologetic petting and soothing.

9. Check email.

10. Read and grade first paper.

11. Check course enrollments for spring 09. Still anemic. Curse popular junior colleague with overloaded courses and blame ageism and your principled refusal to pander to undergraduates with Britney Spears references.

12. 10:59. Almost lunch time. Make lunch. Eat slowly while surfing the web.

13. Grade two papers.

14. Create blog post “Great Moments in Today’s Grading” where you quote the most unintentionally funny lines from your students’ papers. Your own evil cackles provide soundtrack.

15.  Grade one paper.

16. Start grading another paper. Wow! This one is fantastic! Who wrote it? Wait … there is no way that student wrote this. Must check for plagiarism. Google suspicious phrases. Nothing. Scroll down, and find website on wo1f secks. Study this important topic for 45 minutes.

17. Grade three papers.

18. Wonder if you put your bookmark back in your book before falling asleep in bed last night. Run upstairs to check. Wake up 30 minutes later, peel off bookmark smooshed on side of face.

19. Make more coffee. Grade two more papers.

20. Think about how weird it is to be at home during the day. Note with dismay the copious amounts of dog hair on furniture and in corners. Recall with horror that dog passed away three weeks ago.

21. Grade one paper — three sighs for every paragraph.

22. Suddenly realize that SAHMs likely don’t find daytime sightings of their home unsettling. This thought triggers Working Mother’s Guilt Sequence, a malicious program that, once activated, automatically overrides every other cognitive function, forcing the conscious mind through a progression of thoughts and images that begins with the birth or adoption of one or more innocent babies and ends with…

[redacted]

23. Cookies! I will make cookies! I will greet my family with warm, fresh baked cookies!

24. Grade one paper. Quick note to student identifying and apologizing for chocolate stain.

25. Delete unethical draft blog post, “Great Moments From Today’s Grading.”

26. 4:55. 38 papers to go. Make large pot of coffee. It’s going to be a long night.

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