Academic’s Apologia Scale

Like everyone, I laughed my ass off when I read Jane’s Romance Apologia Scale over at Dear Author. It’s one of the best posts of 2008.

December is a very busy time for academics on a semester schedule, especially those of us with significant teaching loads. With Jane’s permission (thanks Jane!), I have adapted her scale.

Earn one point for each number 1 answer, two points for every number 2 answer etc. The higher your score, the more likely you are to: have tenure, be a man, or be entertaining several outside offers.

When a senior colleague emails you to ask if you can proctor his exam so he can take his kids on vacation, the correct response is:

1. Ignore him.
2. Make up an excuse having to do with your ailing grandmother and her geriatric cats.
3. Sure, can I have them write an essay on hypocrisy in the classroom?
4. Fuck off.

When a student stops by your office, not during office hours (which he has assiduously avoided all semester) and asks, “Are you busy?” the correct response is:

1. I am never too busy for my students.
2. Ok, but I’d like to start by letting you know why uninterrupted office time is so important to my work.
3. No, I was just sitting here looking for something to do. Let me quit my solitaire game.
4. Fuck off.

You must love exam week, since you don’t have to do anything!

1. Yup.
2. Actually, it’s a vitally important week for the learning process since students have a last chance to exercise their new skills and I have my final opportunity to provide constructive feedback.
3. I have 100 students, 300 exams and papers, and no T.A.. What do you think?
4. Fuck off.

Would you mind arranging for the holiday gift for the secretary?

1. Of course not.  Would you like me to pick up something for your wife while I’m out?
2. Actually, I don’t celebrate the holidays.
3. Are you aware that I do not have a closer relationship to her than you do simply because we share a gender, and that, in fact, I probably spend less time with her than any of you guys since I do so much of my own administrative work?
4. Fuck off.

Can I have an extension, Professor? I am just incredibly busy right now. You have no idea.

1. I can’t imagine. Of course. Is there anything else I can do to help?
2. Let’s talk about it. I am pretty busy, too, and requests like this can wreak havoc with my tight end of term schedule.
3. Let’s see. I have one full time job, one part time job, significant volunteer commitments, children, pets, and a household to manage. Busy? Never heard of it.
4. Fuck off.

Professor, did you get a chance to watch that movie/read that book/listen to that CD I lent you?

1. Yes, and you know what? I really underestimated Pamela Anderson/O.J. Simpson/Whitesnake. Thank you!
2. Actually, I have been swamped lately. Would you mind if I held onto it for another week?
3. Yes, and I’ve grown so attached to it you cannot have it back. Ever.
4. Fuck off.

A reporter sends the proofs for a university magazine article featuring your work. It’s almost as well written as your first grader’s homework, with slightly more accuracy than the U.K.’s News of the World. Of course, they go to press in three hours:

1. Do you mind if I make a few changes? I’ll have it back to you by the end of business today.
2. I’m afraid I’ll have to speak to your editor. Maybe we can work together to have it ready for the next issue.
3. My passport’s in order –  how much would it cost me to get to Guam?
4. Fuck off.

A colleague in another department asks if you would read an Honors thesis and attend a thesis defense for a student you have never met, to help her graduate on time.

1. Ok, I think I can squeeze it in.
2. Wow! That thesis topic is so interesting, but I’m afraid it’s not my area, so I’ll have to pass.
3. Why not? A diploma from here isn’t worth the paper it’s written on anyway.
4. Fuck off.

Fortunately, I only feel like answering 3 or 4 a couple of weeks of the year. Unfortunately, this is one of them.