This is not autobiographical.

At all.

Here they are in no particular order:

1. You know what a counterpane is.

2. You know all the titles in the British monarchy’s peerage, in order, and have already decided which one you would be willing to settle for if you were sent back to the early nineteenth century, a fantasy you have at least twice a week.

3. You can match the following places with their functions (men’s club, ride on Rotten Row, marriage mart, horse and carriage mart) in 8 seconds or less, with one hand tied behind your back, drunk:

(a) Tattersall’s

(b) White’s

(c) Almack’s

(d) Hyde Park

4. You are aware that British Imperialism was exploitative, unjust and dehumanizing. You’ve even read Fanon, Narayan, and Coetzee. But still, somewhere in the dark recesses of your heart, you have found yourself with your hero and heroine in some place like India or the West Indies thinking, “Good times, man. Good times.”

5. You are better able to explain the difference between a landau, phaeton, curricle, and brougham than that between a Grand Caravan, Sienna, Town & Country and Odyssey.

6. You have found yourself asking your husband if he’s seen your reticule around anywhere.

7. You know what “house party” means, and you cannot wait!

8. You know the difference between a rogue and a rake and you are not afraid to argue about it until the wee hours of the morning with people on the internet whom you do not know.

9. You are pretty sure there were, in fact, other countries in Europe besides Great Britain in the nineteenth century, but you can only think of one: France.

10. Your traveling partner cannot figure out why you insist on putting Gretna Green on the itinerary of your upcoming Europe trip, and you know that a plaintive, “But that’s where Evie and Sebastian got married!” will not win the day.

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